


HEll on Earth

by ilovemygaydad



Category: Sander Sides, Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, demiboy logan sanders, gender bend!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 10:59:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12188691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovemygaydad/pseuds/ilovemygaydad
Summary: Summary: Logan doesn’t feel… right.Warnings: gender dysphoria, anxiety mentions, implied panic attacks, transphobic/anti-nonbinary phrases, minor self hatred





	HEll on Earth

##  **gen·der dys·pho·ri·a**

**/ˈjendər disˈfôrēə/  
**

_the condition of feeling one’s emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one’s biological sex._

\---

Logan felt absolutely _awful_. He was nauseous and his cheeks felt both warm and cold and his chest felt tighter than the spring in a Nerf gun. He’d never felt this way before, though he believed it was called “gender dysphoria.”

 

As of late, they’d been doing a lot of research about gender identities. Something about being a cis boy just felt… off; which, of course, made absolutely _no sense_. They were just a facet of Thomas’ being, therefore, Logan should be a boy. Right?

 

Lately he’d been able to solely wear his more casual set of clothes, which suited him just fine. But today was one of those _very special_ days where Thomas required his full Alexandria-sized library full of information, which also meant that Logan needed to be dressed his best. That, however, did not suit him.

 

Currently, they were wearing a pair of black dress pants with a matching black blazer and his nicest blue tie. They looked like they had stepped straight out of a men’s clothing catalogue, which was exactly the problem. Logan hadn't necessarily… come out… to the other sides…

 

He’d meant to, of course, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. The others’ voices spun around his head.

 

_”We’re a part of Thomas, Logan. We all have to be cis,” Virgil commented with an eye roll, using that special “deductive reasoning” Logan had so recently taught him._

 

_“I hate to admit it, but Sunshine over here has a point. And even if he didn't, you’d either have to be one thing or the other or neither, not two things at once.” Roman gave him a slight shrug that gave off just the right amount of drama._

 

_“Kiddo, you're probably just confused. It's normal for us to feel a little different every once in a while, so maybe you just need a break,” Patton said in a soft, caring voice._

 

This whole demiboy thing was nonsense. They-- _He_ was a boy, and that was that. But the feeling in their-- _his_ stomach and chest didn't go away. Everything felt just as awful as before.

 

He sunk out of his room, giving his reflection one last glance.

\---

“Are you okay, Lo?” Patton asked for the nth time. Ever since Logan had popped up into the common room, he'd been bombarded by that damn question!

 

“Yes, Patton. I am completely fine. There is exactly nothing for you to be worried about.” Logan’s voice was sharp, though they-- _he, damn it!_ \--didn't mean for it to be. It just came out that way from the built up exasperation inside.

 

“I--Okay. Do you want any cookies?” Pat pushed himself up from the couch, pausing momentarily to wait for a response.

 

“No thanks,” Lo sighed and sunk down into the plush cushions as the paternal side nodded and left for the kitchen.

\---

“Hello? Logan? Are you even listening to me?” Roman’s hand waved in front of his face. Logan blinked a few times, bringing himself back into the present.

 

“What? I'm sorry, I lost my focus for a minute. You were saying?” Logan’s apology was threadbare and ingenuine.

 

“Logan, are you okay? You haven't been yourself today?” worried Roman.

 

“It's… complicated, Roman. I don't think I'd be able to explain it correctly.” Logan waved the question off casually, not letting any actual emotion show.

 

“Alright, Sir Specs. I'm here if you need me, though,” Roman added before launching them into the next conversation.

\---

They-- _he_ had been sitting on the floor of the kitchen for who knows how long. It was well past an acceptable time to be awake, though Logan truly did not care. The day had been rough, to say the least, and the terrible feeling from earlier had grown and consumed the side on the tile.

 

The lights flicked on. Logan hadn't even realized he'd been sitting in the dark. He folded his legs to his chest, lightly wrapping his arms around them. Virgil stood at the entrance in awe.

 

“Logan? Are you alright? Holy shit, you look like garbage, dude,” Virgil commented as he made his way over, crouching down in front of Logic.

 

“You wouldn't understand,” Logan deflected with expert aim. The anxious side shrugged and raised his eyebrows.

 

“Even if I won't, I still know when something’s wrong. You don't have to tell me, but maybe you'd feel a bit better?” He was trying, which somehow compelled Logan to spill everything.

 

Five minutes later, they had tears streaming down their face. “And it’s stupid and illogical and I don't know what to do! _I_ don't know what to do, and that’s my job, Virgil!”

 

“Hey. It’s okay. I know that wearing a very masculine outfit is really tough, but don't let that get to you. Your gender _expression_ doesn't have to match your gender _identity_.” The soothing rhythm of Virgil’s voice brought only a minor amount of comfort to Logan.

 

“But I'm supposed to be a boy! Thomas is a boy. You are a boy. Pat and Ro are boys. I'm--I must be _broken_.” He rested his head in his hands, completely overwhelmed.

 

“You know for a fact that isn't true. Think of the Others. Many of them are nonbinary or female! There is no rule that you have to be cis, Lo. You're jumping to conclusions,” Virgil pointed out.

 

“Cognitive distortions…” Logan echoed, their voice soft. “So… I'm not broken? You don't think I'm wrong?”

 

“Dude, no, of course not. You're never wrong. Think of the tie.” The anxious side gently leaned forward, resting his head on the logical side’s knees in a comforting gesture.

 

And finally they felt at peace.


End file.
